Something Besides Anger


Abstract:
One thing I have noticed about myself - it is much easier to write when I am angry. Or at least a bit flustered. I scroll back through my posts in discussion boards, back through this blog and previous ones, and I remember how it felt to write each line. I think it is true for many people. It is much easier to write when you have that little thrill of safe, motivating anger.

Body:
I'm writing a book. Or at least, I'm writing on a book, and I do recognize that those are two different things. I write a chapter here, an outline there, but it never really gels together. In the time I've been writing it, though, I've written 60 or more sermons, made many posts in discussions with friends, and written a lot of random stuff on blogs. Maybe hundreds and hundreds of pages.

I'm simply more motivated to write about things that bother me. In sermons I'm often correcting some bad attitude or false idea, in discussions I'm often trying to express an alternative point of view, and so on. I do listen. Really, I do. I try to repeat and summarize what others have said to make sure I hear them. I ask questions. The thing is, I know anger is tiring. The 'net often seems like a community of angry little red-faced people screaming and screaming and seldom listening. There are some angry voices I enjoy hearing. I will even seek out anger that mirrors mine. But even sympathetic anger gets old.

And when I read for enjoyment, when I sit down and open a book looking for some kind of transportation or transformation, what really draws me in is not anger, but the compelling vision of another world. I really admire good writing. Good writers can write about boredom, or fear, or relaxation, or love, and after visiting their world I feel refreshed and ready to keep going. I don't know that people can say that about my sermons. Or about my writing.

When I feel good, I'm motivated to simply sit back and enjoy it. I don't write about it. When I'm bored, I seek out entertainment. I don't write about it. When I'm angry, I write. Writing is a crutch. It's not a bad crutch, as crutches go. I could go pull the wings off of butterflies or shoot people or something equally diabolical, so I suppose writing is a pretty safe way to deal with anger.

So I told my worship team that I'm writing a book. We pray together weekly, and share what's going on in our lives. I figured that if I want to change my self, to find some other way to write, as well as to motivate myself to write the book instead of writing on the book, I would have to become accountable to someone. Now I have a group to whom I will have to report next week. They will ask, "did you work on your book?" And I will have to say yes or no.

Journalling is a spiritual discipline that I have tried and abandoned several times. Whenever I start journaling I feel self-conscious. I see myself as a theatrical 13-year old, writing bad poetry about loneliness. Or, if I'm writing about something magical and wonderful, a voice in my head asks in a mocking voice, "why don't you draw a picture with crayons instead? Maybe a pretty unicorn." Anger is so much safer.

So I'm going to try to make writing a discipline. For a set time each day I will work on a) Disciple Bible Study, b) private journaling, c) writing my book or other projects, c) anything else (including this blog). I know that my day is different if I start it on a different note. Since I've been doing Disciple, I have noticed a change in my day. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, if you begin the day with God, you spend the rest of the day looking at your brothers and sisters differently (or words to that effect). I hope that, similarly, if I intentionally begin my day with journaling, I can become more articulate about the rest of my life.

We shall see.

Posted: Tue - November 9, 2004 at 08:54 AM           |

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