Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Taxonomy of Email Forwards

Based on exhaustive research of the last 7 email forwards I’ve received, I’ve come up with this empirically-proven scientifically-tested taxonomy of email forwards, and I’ve already checked on Snopes and it’s true!

Fear (pathogens, technology, pedophiles, and Muslims):
Using your cell phone while refueling can cause an explosion.

Anger (liberals, government, and liberals in government):
Obama wants to make it illegal for preachers to preach against homosexuality. And he hates your religion. And your mom. And apple pie.

Fear + Anger:
Obama has a goat-head tattoo and sleeps on a pentagram surrounded by candles made from the fat of his human victims, and anyone who preaches against homosexuality will be forced to refuel their car while reciting the Koran into a cell phone.

Pity (usually involving children or animals):
Little 4-year old Cindy Lu has a gigantic tumor and asked her mommy “why is God making me die?” Forward this to all of your friends and pray to God to spare Cindy Lu.

Faith (usually involving prayer or deus ex machina):
An atheist professor challenged his students to prove there was a God, and was immediately struck by lightning and died.

Pity + Faith:
Cindy Lu adopted a puppy and the puppy turned out to be an angel and shot lightning at the tumor and saved her life!
OR
God skipped the whole tumor thing and struck Cindy Lu dead with lightning before she could fulfill her life’s ambition to become an atheist professor.

Humor (usually involving children, animals, or foreigners doing foreign things):
Cindy Lu drew a funny picture and gave it to her teacher and boy was her mommy embarrassed!

Glurge:
Jesus died for you which led someone to pose for a stock photograph for you with their arms outstretched in front of a sunset, because, really, life is precious so be sure to tell the people you love that you love them before God takes them to heaven with a tumor or lightning bolt. 

Humor + Faith + Glurge:
Jesus died for you and boy were you embarrassed!

Humor + Pity + Faith + Anger + Fear + Glurge:
Cindy Lu, a 4-year old atheist professor, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She prayed to God and God was like, “why don’t you pray to Obama, you commie-loving Muslim lesbian atheist?” But Obama made her recite the Koran on her cell phone while pumping gas with her arms outstretched against the sunset because Jesus loves you more than anything and if this was a funny email you would forward it to your friends and don’t you love America enough to send this to everyone you know?

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

“Gates? What Kind of Neighborhood is Heaven in?”

Hilarious, wonderful stuff.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Baptism for Dummies

I finally got around to watching Nacho Libre, and it was totally worth it just for this one scene.

Friday, March 12, 2010

18 More Groups that have Infiltrated the Church

Since Glenn Beck keeps ranting about left-leaning Christians* who use the word “social justice” to advance their agenda, I thought I’d also point out a few other groups who have infiltrated the church, many of whom use the Bible to support their agendas:

18. White Supremacists
17. Atheists
16. Pagans
15. Right-wing Tea-party Fruitcakes
14. Pedophiles
13. New Agey Crystal-Wearing Vegans
12. Labor Unions
11. Jerks
10. Libertarians
9. Glenn Beck Listeners
8. Self-avowed, Practicing Gays and Lesbians
7. Self-avowed, Practicing Homophobes
6. Self-avowed, Practicing Evangelicals
5. Unreformed Calvinists
4. Unrepentant Arminians
3. Closet Papists
2. Sinners
1. Christians

These people are inside your church! Some of them are clergy! Scary!

——————————————————-

*He didn’t actually say “left-leaning” - he said “communist” and “Nazi.” That’s part of what makes this particularly dishonest. He knows very well what he’s talking about: Christians who support healthcare reform and justice for the poor because they believe in the Biblical mandate to love their neighbor with more than superficial charity.

I really hope he keeps talking about this. The more he talks the more transparent he becomes.

Edit (3-13-2010): Credit where credit is due: Lewis Archer was the first person I heard the phrase “self-avowed, practicing evangelical” from. Now I think I want a bumper sticker with that phrase.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

10 Reasons Ash Wednesday is Better than Christmas

10. No braving the malls looking for Lent gifts
9. No pressure to send “Merry Ash Wednesday” cards
8. No explaining why using chi-rho isn’t “X-ing Jesus out” of Lent
7. No dominionist fundagelicals trying to fight culture wars by putting “Jesus resisting temptation in the wilderness” displays on public property
6. No celebrity holiday albums
5. No Ash Wednesday sitcom specials
4. No saccharine email forwards about “the true meaning” of Ash Wednesday
3. No tacky Ash Wednesday sweaters
2. “Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return” extremely difficult to use in consumer marketing strategies
1. Nobody ever says, “Ash Wednesday is really all about the children.”

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Hymn Lyrics

The art of fitting lyrics to a melody is tough
You have to have a certain sense of timing
If you must stre, eh, etch your word for half a measure more
please find a better phrase to fit your rhyming.

If you want a congregation’s tongues to follow with your tune
And sing and sway and give your song their best
Consider where emPHAsis on sylLABles will fit best
And avoid using… ... rests.

Don’t string clichés together and then call that a song;
Let metaphors connote a kind of grace.
So if you’re writing lyrics and you must rhyme “eyes” with “skies,”
I hope you stab your pencil in your face.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Creative Covers: MFATGG does Rainbow Connection

I posted one by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes last week, and in keeping with the rainbow theme, here’s Rainbow Connection:

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Creative Covers: MFATGG does Somewhere Over the Rainbow

This is by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. I think it was used in an Intel commercial at some point.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Creative Covers: Gob does Mr. Sandman

I first heard this playing Stubbs the Zombie. Excellent stuff.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Monday Morning Bible Haiku: Genesis 17

Meet God and be changed
Abram receives a new name
Loses his foreskin

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Mean Daddy

If you are familiar with the “pet movie” genre, which generally features adorable kids whose hearts ache to own their very own non-human companion, you’ve probably noticed a stock character I call the “mean daddy.” It is almost always the daddy, and he does not like dogs. Or cats. Or turtles. Or whoever the protagonist of the movie is.

The kids come up to the daddy and they say, “But why, Daddy? Why can’t we have a dog/cat/turtle?”

“A dog/cat/turtle is a big responsibility,” he says. “You have to walk it and clean up after it and teach it obedience. How about a goldfish?”

“A goldfish!?” they reply, rolling their eyes.

Then the mom/other sympathetic adult authority figure says, “Gosh, [insert name], would it really be that bad to have a dog/cat/turtle?”

“Look,” the mean daddy says desperately, “I don’t want to have to clean up messes/schedule animal sitters for trips out of town, [et cetera] for the dozen or so years this animal is on the planet.”

Eventually, of course, after various hijinks and capers, the mean daddy finds the protagonist animal endearing, or the animal saves the family from burglars/fire/cult members/financial ruin. There will be some incident in which the mean daddy gets pushed into a pool/wedding cake/mud puddle/sewage treatment plant. The camera will zoom in for a close-up of his impotent rage.

What I find most distressing about this caricature is that I must admit to myself that I, like it or not, have become the mean daddy.

Today I arrive home to find that our octogenarian dog has managed to defecate in our living room in an intricate pattern that reminds me of the systematic floor-covering strategy of a Roomba. If you can imagine a grid of 12-inch squares upon our white carpet, there would be at least one dark brown turd in the center of each square, oriented in a spiral pattern. It is truly a testimony to the power of mammalian evolution that this creature with a brain the size of a deck of cards is able to do the complex geometry necessary to cover the maximum surface area of a floor with his excrement. He has mastered the approach we call “poo on the move,” where he manages simultaneously a) to sniff, b) to waddle wherever his nose leads and c) to drop logs of varying lengths behind him. He reminds me of a multitasking CEO who paces, clipping his nails, while dictating to his secretary. The dog watches me while I march about the living room, cleaning up his poo using the inverted-plastic-bag method, muttering to myself. He has one paw crossed over the other and stares, regally, like Anubis surveying the liturgy of pagan priests.

He doesn’t have much longer in this world, I realize, and I will be sorry when he’s gone. If nothing else, he’s expanded my repertoire and my appreciation of synonyms for dookie. I dread the day when my son, who will be 8 or 9, the age when literature and film love to pit the hero child against their tyrant father, comes to me and asks, “Daddy, can we get a puppy?” Then I will know that my journey from real life to cartoon is complete, and I will read from my script: “A dog is a big responsibility…”

And for the next fourteen years I will stay away from pools, wedding cakes, mud puddles, and sewage treatment plants. And I will begin stocking up on plastic shopping bags.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Monday Morning Hermeneutics Haiku

interpretation
is a kind of poetry
if you’ve ears to hear

(Thanks to Susan for these links).

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Satan’s Waitin’

I ran across this gem while prepping for the “Who Goes to Hell” sermon series:

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Happy Belated Cheese-Paring Day

Rats! I missed Cheese-Paring Day. I’ve never actually been able to get the hang of using this kind of slicer. I usually wind up raking the skin off of my knuckles or removing the very top of my thumb. Maybe I’m not holding the cheese right?

Via Weird Universe.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Monday Morning Bible Haiku: Genesis 14 (Melchizedek)

Some strange priest shows up
Brings a blessing, takes a tithe.
Who was that masked man?